Friday, July 25, 2014

9.5 years

I am choosing to write this blog because it is something that I have wanted to do for some time. I want to tell our story. I want to keep everyone up to date on our lives and our adventures. I decided to start with a small version of how we "The Hills" came about 9.5 years ago.

It never ceases to amaze me how over the past 9.5 years our lives just continue to change and evolve thanks to the good Lord above. We started out as high school friends, enemies, fighters, best friends, lovers, and soul mates. One event connected us in a way that would haunt us for years. But I believe that God had bigger plans, and we ended up loving each other more because of it. 

Then college came and went for me, and I ended up moving away from my best friend/lover. I needed the year to grow and I did. I felt like I was going to be the type of Social Worker that would help children feel more loved and have better lives. I thought that's what I was doing. Who really knows (besides God), if that is what I was truly doing. Obviously, some people did not think that was my job. 

I felt like I had lost myself. I had lost my identity. What was I going to do? Who was going to pay the bills? CW was still in school and had some time yet, and Social Work jobs weren't really abundant with little experience. So, I had a few weeks to grow in the depression and just felt like I was a total failure. Then, came the shocker of a life time.... I WAS PREGNANT!!! How in the world did that happen so quickly? Don't worry I know HOW it happened, I just was completely shocked that it happened so quickly. The women in my family do not usually get pregnant so fast. CW and I had only been married for three months. We still hadn't moved back in together from living in two different areas, now I did not have job, CW was still in school, and a completely happy moment turned in to panic after about 3 minutes of seeing the results. Now how was I going to get a job pregnant? I just left a job that required you to work 1 year before receiving maternity leave...well now that is not possible. I was scared. 

We decided to move back to Motown and CW took a job at the local hospital. Now I was pregnant, without family, or barely any friends. Depression, anxiety, you name it I was going through it. I knew I had to immediately find a baby doctor, because I was "addicted" to meds that were not good for my child. Even through all the depression and craziness, I still knew I needed to do everything in my power to care extremely well for my baby. After a crazy first trimester of general pregnancy woos, I also had to deal with withdrawal. Lets just say I don't remember much. After basically checking out for three or more months, my husband and I finally talked about me becoming a stay-at-home-mom, as long as we could afford it. My pregnancy basically consisted of me doing nothing, because I dealt with anxiety, depression, fear, loneliness, and everything else. I wasn't cautious of my weight and didn't really care, because I was going to breastfeed so it was going to just come back off...right? NOT! 2.5 years later still carrying around that extra weight and I HATE IT! I feel like I really lost myself after my job and to this day I still am searching for who I am and the get go that I use to have. 

With baby due around Christmas I prayed daily that she would not be born on our anniversary and not be born on Christmas. I know it was selfish, but I just wanted her to have her own day. One morning I went to bed around 3 or 4 am and I felt  grouchy and started cramping. I stood up and my water broke. 13 hours later I held the most precious thing I could ever known existed. My Jae was born and she has been the most amazing blessing God could have given me at this low point. I just love her to death and cannot imagine my life without her or her daddy. They help make the world go around.

 Later that night, that my beautiful baby had been born, we discovered that throughout my pregnancy she actually experienced some distress. When we figured out what had happened, we discovered we should probably not attempt to have another child. WHAT? I just had this beautiful baby and my dream was to always have two children. So happy meets panic and depression again, but that blue eyed girl made it all better. She continues to make it all better. I have cried, pouted, screamed, prayed, and cried some more, but eventually CW and I decided it would okay. 

My anxiety stayed calm for the most of the next 14 months. Then I had a horrible attack while was waiting for CW to run a 5K. It took meds and therapy to get me back on track. I still rely on my husband too much for strength to deal with my anxiety, but I am learning to accept God more back in my life. I am learning to pray more and use natural things to reduce my anxiety.

 Throughout watching our beautiful daughter grow, my husband decided he wanted to become more active and started running. He found the runner's high and was on cloud nine until winter came and then we all went dormant. This spring he started running again, but with pains in knee. He thought he had runners knee, so he decided to go to the doctor. When the X-ray came back it showed that his knees looked like one of 47 year olds. While that wasn't great, it was the next thing that has had us on pins and needles ever since. The doctor discovered a tumor-like growth on the inside of his leg bone. What is this mysterious growth? Does it require surgery? Is it the big C word? We still do not know, but we hope to know in a few days. We have decided though what every happens this time it is in God's hands because we cannot carry this burden alone.

 We have also decided to close the chapter on ever having another biological child. We have prayed and prayed and feel like the choice we have made is the right one. I am beyond blessed to have an amazing husband that has stuck by my side and worked together with me.

 We have been through so much and this post is only part of the past 9.5 years of our life, but we have done it together. We love each other, we are each other's best friend, we love our daughter, she is our sunshine, and we are finding God together again. When one door closes another opens, and it will continue through out our lives.

 I have to mention that this is mostly my story. I know I did not mention a lot of other people involved, but I would like to take this time to mention what a blessing they are to us-our parents, friends, other family, doctors, neighbors, and our new church we have been attending. If it wouldn't be for all of those people and God we would not be here and I would not be telling you our story. -T

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