Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Broken heart please return pieces ASAP

This subject matter has been weighing on my heart a good bit lately. Maybe through this post I can finally let go of the hurt, pain, and anxiety all of it has caused me. I am also hoping this post explains a guarded wall I have up towards girls who tries to become my friend.

Sooo here it goes......

 I had an amazing friendship with someone and we had very similar morals and values. This friendship continued to grow especially in High School. There were times I did focus on my current boyfriend a little more than her, but she still stuck by my side. We did our homework together, we sat at the same table at lunch with our other friends, and we even went to prom together. She was the only girl friend that I could rely on since Middle School. She was also the only friend that called me at the Hospital after the wreck. I knew before we graduated that I wanted her to be my Maid of Honor, the Godmother to my child, my best friend no matter what happened. In comparison, I really thought it was similar to the amazing friendship Cory and Shawn have on Boy Meets World. I did not think anything could separate us or destroy us. Facebook was an amazing blessing, because it allowed us to stay connected even though we went to different colleges.

I did not really notice any difference until closer time to the Wedding. Still, I did not think anything was wrong, except life was just happening around us. The BIG DAY was happening the next day.  I was beyond excited to see my best friend and to have her stand by me in front of all of our friends and family. Then things went down hill, way down hill. She started saying all this stuff about how we were never friends, and why did I want her up there with me, and other stuff I have just blocked out because of the shock.

Being a person who wears her heart on her sleeve, is extremely shy, very loving and close to a small group of people, I was floored. My heart shattered. I just wanted to run away. My best friend just ditched me at the alter. Thank Heavens my 3 amazing guy friends were there to literally pick me up off the floor. They helped put some of the pieces of my heart back together.

To this day my heart is still missing some pieces. I have a hard time believing in myself, trusting others, wondering when the next joke will be on me or about me. I cannot allow myself to break down the wall. I am scared to death it will all happen all over again. Now it is affecting my daughter because I am scared to make girl friends and scared for her to make friends. I never want her to feel that devastation. There are no amount of words my friends or family can say to me that cures that broken heart, because I have no answers of why. What did I really do? What was going on that I missed? Did she not understand that I Loved her no matter what? Yes Love. I love my guy friends. They are my world. I am struggling with accepting girls as friends. I have a few, but I panic if they ask me to do anything or go anywhere. I want it to be a deeper friendship but fear, tears, and that missing piece of my heart prevent me from allowing it to happen.

I really hope that there is not another person out there that this has happened to but if there is know you are not alone. Know that it is okay to feel so devastated and that not too many people around you are going to understand the hurt. Even my husband at times does not understand why I still cry. I know I need to forgive. I need to pray more before I think that is going to happen. 

Another attempt to find answers...
Please if YOU read this throw a begging puppy a bone. I need to know just what I did. If we weren't friends then why wait till the day before my wedding to tell me. Why agree to be apart of something incredibly special if you didn't feel like you belonged there? I wanted you there no one else. No one else stood by your side or my side like we both did. You broke my heart. Something that will probably never be repaired. I don't care who you are or who you love you were my BEST friend. You knew I thought of you that way. I still remember Prom. We were both dateless and you were the best date I could have asked for. A majority of my High School memories involve you. WHY? How could you say we were never really friends??? Did I wear rose colored glasses or something? You broke me. You don't deserve this much thought still but the hurt is still so deep. I hope at least your happy and that you have found true friends. I don't want to be you friend. I just need closure. I know there is less than a %1 chance of that ever happening. My heart deserves to be repaired. I will pray to try to forgive you. One day it may happen.  

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